diicephalus

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 19:06:09 GMT

xiu xiu has a song for every shitty aspect of my life, which is pretty great !

UHHHHHM POS IS COMING TO SAN FRANCISCO IN LIKE EIGHT DAYS & I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO ATTEND THAT.

goodbye.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:38:41 GMT

THEY HAVE AS MANY EYES AS A PINEAPPLE. I AM THE DUMBEST BITCH ON THE PLANET.

the boy I like thinks my best friend is cute.
c:

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 05:33:53 GMT

it feels retarded, I want you to like me. will you be there tonight? do you mean it when you say what you say? fixing up my hair, I want to impress you. today and everyday, okay, okay okay, okay. so what do you want? I want to be careless too. so much waiting, so much sitting alone. when you say what you say, it's not what I thought, it's really nothing at all. I'm not who you want, alright, alright alright, alright. bunny gamer, stand up, bunny gamer, where have you been all of my life? bunny gamer, take me with you, okay, okay okay, okay. bunny gamer, sit down, bunny gamer, where have you been all night? bunny gamer, leave me alone, alright, alright alright, alright.

lol.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 12:50:17 GMT

I keep on steering for you, I keep on steering for you.

fucking Timothy replied to my text last night, & only to one of them. he didn't maintain a conversation with me, he didn't even have anything to actually say. it really has me unable to focus. I was trying to work on moving on & realizing he'd never come back into my life, but maybe I'm wrong now ?

I don't know. he has done some weird fucking things to me. I don't even know if I should look at that text as a positive thing. I think I was kind of being able to manage shit on my own. it is so strange how everything happens.

two dreams he comes back. one on wednesday night after I got my tattoo, & that's the day he logged on. no dream thursday night, but a lot of mental suffrage. friday night dream. saturday he texts back. maybe these are coincidences, maybe they're signs. I don't know, I can't tell because I don't really believe in shit like that, but there were signs when he broke up with me, too.

I remember once he told me that I should just start smoke a shit load of weed & I took that advice & it was some of the best advice I've ever listened to.

I want everyone to know that Timmy isn't a bad person, he just makes bad decisions & sometimes is influenced by the opinions of others friend or foe is regardless.

I know too many things about one person, except I don't remember what his favorite animal is & not being able to remember pisses me off. But your favorite color is green & I hate your stupid beard.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:11:16 GMT

BIG, FAT SACK OF COKE.

too bad that's fucking make believe in my life.

oiserjgoiejfes

I wish I could just cut all the parasites out of my life,
but I'm so worried about what they are going to do & how guilty I will most likely feel, I put myself through hell. I'm a giant fucking piece of shit who can't stick up for herself very well in stressful situations. I just got a $150 dollar tattoo, had a great dinner with my mom & two of my best friends AND I AM ON THE VERGE OF FUCKING LOSING IT. I wish I didn't feel the need to depend on people, but I just wish that I could have one person in my life who I could turn to without of a fear of consequences. I am so sick of feeling alone every day of my life. I'm alone in a room full of people. I want to be able to sit down with someone & have a good talk & not be afraid to cry & have them tell me "I know, it's going to be okay. I understand." & when they say it, I want to feel their sincerity, know that they know instead of hoping that they have a fucking clue of what I'm talking about.

I've never had such a difficult time connecting or relating with people in my whole life. & let me be the one to say that this is ultimately the shittiest feeling someone can have. that no one gives a shit about you, your opinions or your feelings & it's even worse than when you think someone will be there, they're not. because they're too busy being selfish & putting themselves before they're friends.

I ALWAYS fucking put my friends before myself & I always have. maybe I need to stop because all it's doing is turning me into a shittier, angrier person every day. & I feel like I need to explain that to everyone. I'm not mean, I just have a lot of personal fucking battles going on that I clearly can't fight on my own.

fuck my life.
I'm ungrateful & jaded.

by the way.
I like a boy who will probably never notice my poor shitty attempts to talk to him.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:55:57 GMT

I really wish I could stop this overwhelming feeling of misery & disappointment.
I feel like I'm being suffocated, & I don't know what to do. : /

I just had a talk about being self sufficient,
so why can't I do that now ?

I just want to talk to someone who fucking gets it.
& not just says that they get. I want to be able to tell that they do.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:25:44 GMT

putting your high school portfolio online is dumb.
especially when you go to a school where no one does anything besides talk shit to each other.

hello, my name is megein
& I AM OVER YOUR LITTLE KID BULLSHIT.

I seriously don't know how much longer I can tolerate this.
it's a physical task to wake up & come here.

I remembered why I left the last time, because things were never going to get better here.
& they still aren't better.

no one here has any of their shit together.
especially the staff.

roisejfoesjfiosfhoeifjoes

fuck you.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:54:47 GMT

sm00000000th

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:15:56 GMT

guess what yall.

I'm going to the hospital to have a lip ring cut out of me.

fuck my life.
c:

basically, I didn't take care of my angelbites,
so the one of the left go so swollen & infected,
that the flat back of the post was pulled through the hole,
& covered in tissue.

tiiiiiight.

I'm a fucking idiot, sometimes.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 22:40:54 GMT

I can't handle major alters in my appearance that are not welcome.
it's so self-shattering, that I can't leave my house or the room I'm staying in without of the fear of someone seeing how ugly I am. The left side of my angelbites is infected & swollen, it looks like I got into a fight. I can't handle it.

I don't know what to do.

I'm getting my dermal implant tilaka today. I'm scared.

I'm going back to Reno tomorrow.

I can't concentrate.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:03:14 GMT

the farthest I've ever been from home is inside of my house.

I'm in San Francisco until Sunday.
I've never felt so free.

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 08:56:29 GMT

holy fucking jesus christ on a bicycle.

that's all I have to say.

please don't let me fuck this up.

I know I don't really believe in a deity or anything.
but fucking Durga
THROW ME A BONE

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3289/3104257772_3553d0736a.jpg

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:48:05 GMT

I don't have any hope for 2009.
sorry.

that's tight if you do, but I don't.

everyone I know is scum.

I don't even want to hang out with anyone anymore.

fuck all yall.
cuz I don't need you.

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 02:31:04 GMT

I seriously fucking love pain killers.

fuck it.
& fuck my life.
& fuck you.

I also love the f word.
& other swears.

hahaha.
I am never getting married.

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 08:38:54 GMT

I'm the grinch who stole Christmas.

I really would like to know what to do to fix everything.

I feel like I keep making unrepairable mistakes, & it's making me feel extremely ill. I can't please anyone, & you shouldn't concern yourself with who you are or aren't pleasing, but I wish people would just like me. I'm not a bad person. I don't think I'm a bad person.

I do not want to go back to school.
I hate it there.
I hate all of the kids.
I hate the teachers.
I hate being brainwashed.
It makes me miserable, & I hate being miserable.

I just want to live in the middle of nowhere, where it snows all the time.
I want a fireplace & I want to drink tea until I waste away to skin a bones.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 06:55:56 GMT

dirt nap.

happy birthday.
:<

I'm an ungrateful piece of shit.

but I'll find you inside of someone else,
even if finding you in someone else is hard to do.

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 03:20:12 GMT

SERIOUSLY ?!

I don't even believe this happening.

my dad is a piece of shit.
& he's just like his mother.
& he's abandoning his family, JUST LIKE SHE DID.

I don't even know what to think.
or how to handle any of this.

on top of that, my best friend tried to kill himself.
& I don't know if he's okay, because his phone is shut off.

man. this is the shit.
let me fucking tell you, I'm having a gr8 time.

I don't even know what to think.
are we going to be able to pay the bills ?
are we going to have a car ?

man.
fuck.
fuck.
FUCK !

Timmy, please come back.
I REALLY fucking wish I had you around.
you were kind of the only positive thing I had.

ekjfiesojkfioesfjio

shit.
I don't even know what to do.

what's even better,
is when I go back to school,
if alissa hears about this, she won't do anything.

oh this is so fucking gay.
gay gay gay gay gay.
GAY.

I would really like a nice fat fucking line of blow.

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:16:58 GMT

I'm worried about you, ya know.

I wonder if you think I don't miss you,
or if I don't love you anymore.

because that's not true.

my best friend is on her way home.
nigga betta floor it.

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:25:20 GMT

I'M NOT WAVING, I'M DROWNING.

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 07:18:16 GMT

I'm pretty sure meth is going to kill my best friend.

I don't know what I'm going to do if he dies.

: /

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:41:12 GMT

I keep having deja vu, & it's freaking me the fuck out.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 04:52:11 GMT

Today I realized how ungrateful I am for all the things I have. Food, a roof over my head, a car that runs, & an amazing boyfriend & wonderful friends- regardless of where they live. I need to stop taking all of this for granted, but I don't know how. Maybe I need to go through something extremely traumatizing to appreciate the things I have.

I decided that I am going to cut all the parasitic people I know from my life. I want to be happy more than anything, & I will never get there unless I cut ties with people who have me in vices. I was really surprised that he had to say all of those horrible things, especially from someone who "loves" me. I don't have the patience or energy to deal with children like yourself. Grow up. You made a mistake, you learn from it & you move on. I did, now it's your turn. I'm sick of trying to explain it to you.

I'm excited for my tattoo.
I'm excited for my birthday,
I'm excited for Christmas.
I'm excited to see my best friend.

I hope I still get to go to LA.

I wonder if it's suspicious that all of my nails besides my pinkie nails are short.

I like getting away with this. I think it's funny.

I wish I could be as confident in person as I am on livejournal.

Fuck.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 09:09:20 GMT

I hope your relationships fail.
I hope all of you die alone.
I hope none of you get married or have children.
I hope all of you are miserable for the rest of your lives.

My ship is sinking, & I want to bring all of you down with me.

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:01:21 GMT

everything, everything, everything, everything is changing.

I'm scared, but I kind of like it.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 18:18:53 GMT

PYTHAGOREAN'S THEOREM CAN EAT MY FUCKING DICK.

This project is so fucking stupid.

I AM ALSO BUSTING MY ASS FOR NOTHING IN RETURN.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, mother fuckers.

PS.
The math proficency can fuck off.
I am bad at math, I am horrible at math.
I WILL NEVER GRADUATE BECAUSE OF THIS TEST.

awesome, possum.